Just thinking about going to see Luiz before I go home today. It’s my night off, so I can go home at 4:30. I dressed down as not to make it look like, well you know. Puma t shirt, denim skirt and sneakers, no big deal.

Just because you get butterflies every time you see someone doesn’t mean you like them, does it? I have been concentrating on my attitude, not that I have a bad one, just maybe not the one most conducive to the love thing. I think people sometimes get into this mode of “I have things to do, I don’t have the room, time or ability to love right now.” So they just shut it down. If I had a dime for every time I heard a church going guy say to a woman “I’m too busy with my ministering for a relationship.” How sick is that. I always thought it was the religious way to lie, and not come out and say “I’m not interested in you.” I’m too busy always sounded like that to me. Because if you were interested you would make the time and the room. Like love is something you can just to pick up at the grocery like toilet paper or something when you need it. People talk a lot of shit about wanting to be happy, but only if happiness is on their time schedule, and in the packaging they have already designed in their mind. We are so funny that way aren’t we?

Now if a man feels he is too broke, that’s a whole other ballgame. I know how important their station in life, success, and money are to men’s self esteem. You can’t convince them that it doesn’t really matter. Maybe that isn’t even the right way to put it. It matters, but not in the me and you sense. Everyone knows that the measure of a man’s heart has nothing to do with his wallet. As there are plenny of millionaires walking around with tiny little black hearts. A man’s attitude about his situation has more to do with it than the lack of it really. If a man acts unworthy, poor, second class, sad, and ashamed, then what could he possibly expect to attract? This is my only worry, that there will be an uphill battle against the invisible. I think basic necessity has to be covered however. Yeah, I know what you are thinking, then why not date a homeless crack addict if that’s your attitude. Very funny. Yeah you have to be working, and have a place to live, that doesn’t involve relatives. If it does it must be temporary, and by temporary I don’t mean you live there till you finish 4 years of college either.

Since I have moved to Orlando I keep meeting the same guy over and over. The one who is attached but doesn’t want to seem attached. Who doesn’t wear a wedding ring, tho he is married. Who is in a long term relationship, but never mentions it, and or lies about it when asked. I don’t’ see myself nor do I present myself as some sort of sex pot woman on the side, but I guess because I don’t have all the baggage a woman “my age” should have, then that’s the only role I can play. Not anymore tho. Well it’s not a recent revelation however. I decided a long time ago second fiddle wasn’t my thing. I want first string status. Number one. La mujer sola. If I wasn’t going to be that then leave it alone. I don’t think that’s a superficial want, I think that is a very plain and common thing to want. You have to combat this permissive, selfish, immoral, superficial, disposable, culture for it tho.

Can love survive in 2007-08?

Ok this is what happened.

I went to the meat store at 4:40pm as planned. I usually buy a bag of puffy cheetos as a cover. But they were out. So I asked Luiz if they had more. He said they get a shipment on Friday. There are a steady stream of customers coming to the counter and he is ringing them up. His uncle is at the counter across the aisle, so I am feeling very self consious about the whole "saying how I feel thing." I brought a mix CD with me with Roots, Tribe, Alicia and Prince on it for him to rock. I told him my favorite group was the Roots once when we were talking, and he didn't really know alot of their music. SO I gave him the CD and told him I'd be back Saturday.

I'll show up about closing time, and see what I can get jumpin.

Dayumm he's fyne.

TO me anyway.